Of course you already know many viola, and (cringe) trombone jokes…here are some different, out of the ordinary, not necessarily music related stories and stuff that are a great way to break up a rehearsal and make everyone happy. We’ve edited it a bit…you’ll find no violent, inappropriate or otherwise not p.c. content here (unless you like Starbucks or.Kenny.G.)
All Star
FAVORITE BAND
Jackie Mason on
STARBUCKS
The wit of
STEVEN WRIGHT
Review of a
KENNY_G._CONCERT
.......
The STAR
SPANGLED_BANNER
(percussionists_perspective)
DANCE BAND RULES and REGULATIONS DURING the 3rd REICH
USELESS INFO UNLIKELY_MARRIAGES NEW DOG BREEDS..
(Would-be)
DARWIN AWARDS
VINCENT GOGH
FAMILY TREE
 


ALL STAR FAVORITE BAND
   

Leader - Owen Guys

1st Trumpet - Kenny Makit
2nd Trumpet - Diz Astor
3rd Trumpet - Kent Reed
4th Trumpet - Noah Count
Scream Trumpet - Al Tissimo

1st Trombone - Hy Register
2nd Trombone- Slip Shod
3rd Trombone- Willie Show
Bass Trombone - Lew Slips
1st Alto Sax - Otto Tune
3rd Alto Sax - Les Tone
2nd Tenor Sax - (jazz) Manny Notes
4th Tenor Sax - Kennah Tswing
5th Baritone Sax - Ima Growler
(sub - Barry Sykes)

French Horn - Belle Tone
Tuba - Sue Saphone

1st Violin - Vi Baratto
2nd Violin - Fay Kerr
Viola - Vera Sharp
Cello - Beau Braker

 

 

back to top

Harpsichord - Aaron Variation
Piano - R. Peggio
Bass - Pete Ziccate
Drums - Chick Boom
Percussion - Perry Diddle
Vibes - Hal Mallett
Guitar - Django Bells
Banjo - Ricky Tick
Harp - Anne Dante
Organ - Page Turner

Assistant Conductor - Justin Case
Arranger - Walt Smedley
Copyist - L. Egible
Librarian - Miss Inga Page
Band Manager - Hiram Cheap
Agent - Gig Booker

Bus Driver - Oliver De Rhode
Fan Club President - Doug DeBan
Union Rep. - Scott Free
P.R. Man - Ed Vertise
Band Boy - Manuel Labor

 


(Would-be) DARWIN AWARDS

 Paolo Esperanza, bass–trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a bid for an unusual contribution to the cannon shots in an outdoor children’s concert performance of the 1812 Overture, put what amounted to a lit M–80 firecracker in his aluminum straight mute and stuck it in his quite new Yamaha double–valve inline bass–trombone. Later, he explained through bandages on his mouth, “I thought the explosion would make the mute fly like a rocket and the bell of my trombone would protect me.” In fact the mute took off and flew into the conductors stomach and drove him off the podium and into the front row of the.audience.  Luckily, the people in the audience were sitting in folding chairs and the audience member was driven relatively unhurt backwards into two people sitting behind him, who in turn were driven into four people and so on. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds added to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Paolo had forgotten that every action involves a reaction. The bell of his shiny Yamaha was turned inside out by the launching of his mute, and he was driven backwards off the riser with a somewhat bruised embouchure by the mute–turned–rocket.
 back to top  
 
USELESS INFO
 
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 3D:
12,345,678,987,654,321
When opossums are playing ’possum, they are not playing. They actually pass out from sheer terror. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades – King David, Clubs – Alexander the Great, Hearts – Charlemagne, and Diamonds – Julius Caesar. The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications)
 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
 An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.  The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
  The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.  Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
 The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.”  Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs …but not downstairs.  Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

back to top

 

The wit of STEVEN WRIGHT
   
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil from?  I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.” If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don’t they just make mouse—flavored cat food?  So what’s the speed of dark?
I just got skylights put in my place.
The people who live above me are furious.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?  Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote—control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn’t they be called “builts”? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a “non—sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!! I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. If “con” is the opposite of “pro”, then what is the opposite of progress? Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”? The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,“Where’s the self–help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it. I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. It it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading…and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.” War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
 I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. “Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”  My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. What’s another word for Thesaurus? You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.” I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes”.
I had amnesia once or twice. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? Smoking cures weight problems …eventually.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus
back to top


REVIEW OF A KENNY G. CONCERT
from “The Other Paper”, Columbus, Ohio “Getting Down With The Milquetoast Maestro” by John Petric
 
A whole lotta people paid a whole lotta money to witness a whole lotta meaningless breathing exercises done through a musical snorkel. Saturday night at the Columbus Convention Center. Kenny G — the mayor of mayonnaise music, the milquetoast maestro, the woodwind weasel — played his saxophone to roughly 5000 people at $25 per head. That adds up to a $150,000 gross and boy, gross it was. G is the latest and most successful instrumentalist with a slight jazz pedigree to hit the big time. However, in G’s case, it’s with an authenticity so questionable he may as well document it with a fancy diploma from some phony offshore jazz school in the middle of the Caribbean. Even Zamfir comes with better jazz credentials. Ornamental romantic themes ruled the night’s jazz lite hell. Goopy, chimey electric piano usually introduced his poodle on.Prozac. The Thin White Duke of Puke’s solos were the color of air. His improvisations improved none at all as the long night dragged on. His chops consisted almost entirely of pyrotechnic finger exercises and obnoxious minutes—long sustains that had the crowd whooping and hollering. Sadly though, the long—winded G has all the fiery jazz imagination of, say, Richard Clayderman, the French dude. (He’s French, for BEEEP sake, need I say more?) After the G—weasel committed atrocity after atrocity in the name of jazz, pulling tunes off his seven—album catalog, the question remained: Why is this weenie doing so well? Opener Peabo Bryson joined G for a song in the middle of the headliner’s set. It was the best part of the show. If Holiday Inn motel art could come to musical life, it would sound like G’s “Forever in Love” or “Sister Rose” or “Sentimental,” all horrible crap from “Breathless,” his bezillion—selling album on.Arista.
 back to top  

DANCE BAND RULES AND REGULATIONS DURING THE 3RD REICH
(unfortunately this is not a joke!)
 
1) in the repertoire of light orchestras and dance bands, pieces in fox–trot rhythm (so–called swing) are not to exceed.20%; 2) in the repertoire of this so–called jazz type, preference is to be given to compositions in a major key and to lyrics expressing joy in life (“Kraft durch Freude”), rather than Jewishly gloomy.lyrics;
3) as to the tempo, too, preference is to be given to brisk compositions as opposed to slow ones (so–called blues); however, the pace must not exceed a certain degree of allegro commensurate with the Aryan sense for discipline and moderation. On no account will negroid excesses in tempo (so–called hot jazz) be permitted, or in solo performances (so–called.breaks); 4) so–called jazz compositions may contain at the most 10% syncopation; the remainder must form a natural legato movement devoid of hysterical rhythmic references characteristic of the music of the barbarian races and conducive to dark instincts alien to the German people (so–called.“riffs”):
5) strictly forbidden is the use of instruments alien to the German spirit (e.g. so–called cowbells, flex-a-tone, brushes,etc.) as well as all mutes which turn the noble sound of brass–wind instruments into a Jewish–Freemasonic yell (so–called wa–wa, in.hat,.etc.); 6) prohibited are so–called drum breaks longer than half a bar in four quarter beat (except in stylized military.marches);
7) the double bass must be played solely with the bow in so–called jazz compositions; plucking of strings is prohibited, since it is damaging to the instrument and detrimental to Aryan musicality. If a so–called pizzicato effect is absolutely desirable for the character of the composition, let strict care be taken lest the string is allowed to patter on the sordine, which is henceforth.forbidden; 8) provocative rising to ones feet during solo performance is.forbidden;
9) musicians are likewise forbidden to make vocal improvisations (so–called scat); 10) all light orchestras and dance bands are advised to restrict the use of saxophones of all keys and to substitute for them violon–celli, violas, or possibly a suitable folk.instrument.

 

 

back to top

Signed,
Baldur von Blodheim
Reichsmusicfuhrer und Oberscharfuhrer.SS


NEW DOG BREEDS
The following breeds are now recognized by.the.AKC:
 
Bloodhound + Labrador:
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso:
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Collie + Lhasa Apso:
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel:
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Spitz + Chow Chow:
Spitz–Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever:
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Pointer + Setter:
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Collie + Malamute:
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund:
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Terrier + Bulldog:
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Newfoundland + Basset Hound:
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Malamute + Pointer:
Moot Point, …well, never mind
Deerhound + Terrier:
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
 

 

 

back to top



THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER
(percussionists perspective)
Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH
By the dawn’s early BOOM, CRASH
What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH
At the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM, CRASH
Through the perilous BOOM,CRASH
O’er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH
Were so gallantly streaming? 3 &
1...2...3...
2...2...3...
3...2...3...
4...2...3...
5...2...3...
6...2...3...
7...2...3...
8...2...Oh,
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
 back to top

UNLIKELY MARRIAGES
 
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she’d be Kitty Twitty. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’'d be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she would have been Yoko Ono Bono. If Olivia Newton–John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton–John Newton John.
If Dolly Parton had married Salvador Dali, she would have been Dolly Dali. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. baseball is my life…If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros–Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G. Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

back to top

 

 Jackie Mason on STARBUCKS
 
 Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because there are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that’s 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they’ll give you all the cream you want until you’re blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: “Here’s all the cream you want!” And it’s still 60 cents. You know why? Because it’s called “coffee.” If it’s Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they’ll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it’s cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon — 60 cents, that’s it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it’s Cinnamonnier — $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they’ll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you’re 27 and keep drinking coffee until you’re 98. And they’ll start begging you: “Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?” Do you know that you can’t get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $350. And it’s burnt coffee. It’s burnt coffee at Starbucks, let’s be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, “It’s the bottom of the pot. I don’t drink from the bottom of the pot.” But when it’s burnt at Starbucks, they say, “Oh, it’s a blend. It’s a blend. It’s a special bean from Argentina.....” The bean is in your head. And there’re no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven’t been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy—three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the  top, they can’t even drink the coffee because there’s 12 people around one little table, and everybody’s saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me...” Then they can’t get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, “Mister, could you get me off this?” Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service..continued

And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It’s all the same as Starbucks — no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee — except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it’s worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you’re going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can’t put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don’t give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don’t give it to you. They tell you where it is. “Oh, you want butter? It’s over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here.” Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. “I’ll take the cookie. Where’s the butter? The butter’s here. Where’s the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there.” You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says “Tips.” You’re waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money. Then there’s a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don’t give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you’ve become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. “Oh, he’s got dirt too? Wait, I’ll clean this up.” They clean up the place for an hour and a half. If I said to you, “I have a great idea for a business. I’ll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I’ll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50 Not only that, I’ll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you’ll clean it up for 20 minutes after you’re finished.” Would you say to me, “That’s the greatest idea for a business ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!” No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about.people.

back to top


VINCENT GOGH FAMILY TREE
 
His obnoxious brother.............Please Gogh His magician uncle...............Wherediddy Gogh
His dizzy aunt.........................Verti Gogh His Mexican cousin..............Amee Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....Gotta Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half brother
...........Grin Gogh
The constipated uncle ............Cant Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.................Stop–n–Gogh The bird lover uncle.......Flamin Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia......Hugh Gogh A sister who loved disco........Go Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.........Chica Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt.......Tan Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst........E Gogh The fruit loving cousin..............Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.......Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew.........Poe Gogh
back to top  

home..|..who are we?..|..order/contact info.
All Instruments Are Created Equal..|..Klezmer Series for Band..|..Cool Stuff to do with Your Band

   

 

 

Copyright 2001 by
HamilTunes, B.M.I.
All Rights Reserved
mail@hamiltunes.org